Just before I (re)met Joe, I didn't think my life could fall apart any more. I was at an all time low and I didn't realise just what was around the corner for my little boy and me. I didn't think there was anyone out there willing to take us both on, a young woman with 'baggage' and a whole load of issues to go along side. I didn't realise that men like him existed, and I definitely didn't think that it would take one man to pick me up off the floor and throw me into the sky.
When I fell pregnant with Oliver I was at an all time high. We were planning our wedding, awaiting the arrival of another little boy and I really was on cloud 9. He came, we got married, we had a complete blast. Life really was quite special. But something was still missing. We didn't quite feel complete, and I certainly didn't feel like I was ready to slow things down.
I will never ever forget that moment the sonographer told us our 3rd baby was a girl. I sobbed and sobbed until I could hardly breathe, and I didn't stop weeping until way past her birth. Even now, nearly 4 years down the line, she brings me to tears. They all do.
I spent a good part of her first couple of years of life feeling guilty that I so desperately wanted a girl. I wanted what me and my mum have. I wanted a female to back me up when shit hit the fan and I needed that relationship, girl to girl, Mother to daughter, teen to mum. I needed it to fill that huge gap in my life, that sisterhood relationship I so missed. No matter how selfish it may seem that I wanted a girl to help me grieve, she is the sole reason I don't crumble at every crack thrown at us, and for that I will always be so thankful for.
So for the next 8 months of your life, I will make time for you, Elsie. I will sit cross legged and sip make believe cups of tea and pretend to chew wooden cakes to make you giggle until you hiccup. I will build all the puzzles in the world and I promise to let you fill the last piece in. I will tickle you until your eyes stream and your cheeks turn rosey and I will make time for you, all of you. Before you are unleashed into the big wide world of school, and I want you to remember our days together and I want you to know that no matter how many playground arguments you will get into, no matter how many girls or boys make you cry and how many friendships that will break, I will always make time for you. Always.